Very Interesting Adoption Article

[blessedx3]

I have also enjoyed the discussion.

[amom4life]

I to believe that every situation is different and don't put much stock into studies especially on something as new as open adoption. I have heard from people who are actually living it day to day...some very good stories about how it is working for them and I've also heard a lot of stories where things started out well then soured at some point.

I have heard where the relationships were going well and there were bounderies and mutual respect..everyone knew their place, and I 've heard where the bmother turns bitter and angry about her personal choice that she made and starts lashing out at the parents she chose..undermining their place and authority even to the point of refusing to call the child by his/her name and instead using the name they would have chosen had they made a choice to parent. Oh and also bad mouthing the parents to others simply because she is no longer happy that she made the decision she did..nothing to do with the parents treating her badly or not loving and parenting the child well at all.. Imagine the effect that would have on the child.

Then there are the bparents who start out wanting an open adoption with visits and its going along fine...then suddenly bmother/father get on with their lives and just don't seem to have the time or be as interested as in the beginning. Imagine the effect that would have on the child.

These are a couple of reasons why I'm not an advocate of fully open adoption. People say its not confusing to the child...well I think the the secenarios above would be quite confusing and cause problems.

Or what if everythings going fine and suddenly the bparents step over the bounderies and try to co-parent and their lifestyle and convictions are VERY different from yours and what you are trying to instill in your children and conflict arises...again confusing for the child and would cause problems. There is much more I could get into , but don't want to write a book.

I'm going to step out here and be very honest...When Darin and I chose to adopt it was because we love children, we wanted to be parents and we wanted a family...PERIOD. If some want to call that selfish..whatever..I call it the honest reality. We did not want another extended family ..we wanted to build our own family through adoption.

Do we care about our children's bparents...you bet! And we pray for them and hope all good things for them, but it doesn't mean we necessarily want them or their extended family to be part of ours. When Bparents make the choice to terminate their rights to be their child's parent and give that right to someone else that is their choice. Why does their making that choice mean that we all have to become family? We wanted children ...not entire new families. I'm sorry if that gets some upset, but I did say I'm being honest. The Bparents would have made the choice regardless..we didn't make them and I don't feel obligated in that way.

However I'm not in favor of completely closed adoptions either and I don't mind at all sending updates and pictures. I wouldn't want the bparents always wondering and worrying. I agree about waiting until our children are adults and they can decide on their own if they want to pursue a meeting or relationship with their bparents and their Bparents extended family..at that time we would be supportive either way.

I just feel that is in the best interest of our children..not because of any survey , poll, study, or popular opinion...just because we're their parents and have been entrusted by God for their welfare and as their parents we think this is best.
Judy

[icunurse]

Here is a link to a recent, very large, long-term study of open adoption -
http://www.nysccc.org/Conferences/2006C ... option.htm
The link at the bottom of the page provides greater details and more information about the study. A google search will show that there are actually several studies that have been done and are ongoing and all show positive outcomes for children in open adoption.

Since we are being honest, I will share my personal opinion about why I prefer open adoption - I have nothing to hide, neither do my son's birthparents. I always want them to know that he is healthy, safe and a good boy (well, so far!) and they want to know the same. Like it or not, he is not my blood, but they are. I feel like if I am "hiding" something from him, whether that be *choosing* on my part to not have contact or not have visits, there is a little message being sent to him that there is a part of him that I don't want to deal with either. Avoiding his family will not make them go away any more than it will make it more clear to him that he is MY son.

I also think that the relationship that you create before placement (speaking in terms of domestic adoption) should be similar to what you plan to continue after placement. How do you explain to the birthfamily or, later on, to your child, that you can spend every day and countless hours with a person, but never want to see them again afterwards? Again, I am only speaking from my personal opinion, but far too often it seems like birthparents are "good enough" until the baby is there and then they are judged harshly for what has been there all the time.

I'm not saying every person is right for open adoption or every situation is safe for open adoption, but it seems like far too often, people who have never even been a part of open adoption can list all the negative aspects that *could* happen, but fail to see all the positives that their child *could* miss out on. Yes, I have met adoptees who have no desire to meet their birthfamily. I have met adoptees who have been in reunion and are happy (and wish it had happened years earlier). And I have met a couple of birthmothers who entered into closed adoptions years ago because that was "the norm" and they tell me that while they don't regret their decision, there isn't a day that goes by that they don't wonder. If not for my child, then, yes, I do openness for them....as one mother to another. A gift....small in comparison to the one that they gave me.

[amom4life]

Traci~ I respect that you are an open adoption advocate and that you believe its best for your children.

However I don't believe and don't think its fair for you to say that because we don't feel open adoption is in the best interest of our children that we are hiding anything and I'm certainly not in any denial that I didn't give birth to our children. We are not trying to pretend that their bparents don't exist nor make them go away. As I said we do care about them, pray for them, and wish only the best for them. We don't think badly of them and our children will never hear a bad word about them from our mouths.

We adopted children to build our family..we were never told that meant that we had to adopt the whole birth family. We do honor the commitments that we made to our children's birthparents and have never wavered on that. Having visits is not the only way to make it so the Bparents don't wonder and as I mentioned in my previous post I wouldn't want them to worry and wonder so we send them letters and lots of pictures as we agreed to do and happily.

I really don't put a lot of trust in these studies and polls because it is so easy to slant them ...I bet studies could and probably have been done that show how harmful open adoptions can be as well...I just haven't spent time looking.

We have a different view on the GIFT part... I don't look at a woman making an adoption plan for her child who for whatever reason has made a decision that either she can't parent or doesn't want to parent...as her giving me a gift. She didn't get pregnant for me or give birth for me. I was not even a thought in her mind. Children are a gift from God. I believe that He created our children with us in mind from the foundation of the world...its no accident that we have the children we do or that God chose us and entrusted us to raise and nurture these children who are in reality His.

I get the feeling that you think we are "hiding" the fact that our children were adopted from them..not true. Its just not in their face everyday..nor do we remind them everyday that they WERE adopted , but it is talked about...usually just comes out in normal casual conversation...not a planned talk. Adoption is something we did(past tense)...it is not the center of our children's lives..nor does it define who they are or will become. I have enough friends who were adopted to know this is fact.

There is so much more to life and living than adoption. I want the fact that they were adopted to be something normal..not some ugly secret that we are trying to hide or something that we throw in their face at every turn.

I think parents and others can project a whole lot of things on children that has the potential of turning them into victims by telling them how they "should" feel and think about adoption in general..their Bparents...their loss.. and dwelling on all this stuff so much ... I don't want to create a victim mentality in our children. I agree with what dl said so I want to be the best PARENT I can be..not the best ADOPTIVE parent. Doesn't mean we are "hiding: a thing!
Judy

[Kathy]

Very interesting study.

I think one of the key things noted towards the end after the second wave was that all parties have to WANT to participate in it.

It wouldn't work for Judy...probably not Deanna...but sounds like it does for Traci and for Maria. Cool.

Couple other things....I don't think choosing to be open to fully open adoption has anything to do with hiding anything. It is just "not what you signed up for" so to speak.

Along with that "signing" does come with an extended family. It is a very real and present link our kids come with. Now whether or not a close relationship is had or not is really up to individuals involved...and what works for them. But they still are apart, even if it is a very small nearly nothing part, its still a part of their lives. Like it or not. I know myself there have been a few relatives of mine I'd rather not altogether claim...and have choosen not to have relationships with BUT that doesn't change the fact. They are what they are.

OK...slightly new twist here.....bio grandparents. I know some personally and they have maintained spector positions in the semi open mediated adoption their daughter has.

For awhile now I have had a suspicion that the gifts we recieve from our sons bmom are not from her so much as from the Gparents. Her name is signed....but the handwritinig is NOT hers. She married awhile back and I wonder if maybe she has put some of these things a little further off her radar so to speak....and Grandparents are picking up some. Don't get me wrong, nothing wrong with it at all. J gets a big kick out of beign recognized by them....and loves that they always include a little something for the girls too.

I guess what I am wondering about is, how do you handle that part of relationships in a semi open relationship. Not asking for advice...thinking things are OK with our relationships as far as I know...just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on BGparnet relationships

[icunurse]

Webster's Dictionary defines "hide" as : : to put out of sight and that is the context in which I have used the word.

Judy, I hope you did not take my quote as something more personal. What I said is true : I do not feel that I need to hide her identity, her existence, her love for him, or his extended birth family (and not saying you or anyone else here try to do that, but there are people who go to great lengths to keep that info away from their child). Also, and I feel that many people in open adoption would agree, when you "sign up" to do open adoption, it does not mean that you are automatically getting an extended family. It is contact that often turns into much more. We consider "T" and her family our friends, but they ARE DS's family. While you may not view a birthparents choice to place a child for adoption as a gift to you, I do - she CHOSE US (trust me, she had many other options for potential parents from not only our agency, but from her OB/GYN, friends, etc.), she CHOSE to carry that baby for someone else (knowing that she had options to not carry him, yet knowing that she also couldn't parent at that time in her life), so, yes, while DS is a gift from God, I also think he is also a gift from "T". A lot of things about DS - his blue eyes, his long fingers, his music skills -are all things that I feel God gave to him through "T". I agree with the rest of what you said, though - DS WAS adopted, it is a part of who he is, but it doesn't define him. It's not in his face, but it's also "out there" enough that he knows we are all comfortable with it and he can ask questions or say things without fear of hurting us or whatever.

Kathy - while the study is (I *think*) the longest study to date, I also have to question the reasons why people DON'T want to even consider an open adoption (beyond safety reasons). Hmmm....that would be an interesting study.... We do have biograndparents in our lives, but since we have an open adoption, I'm not sure how much help I can offer. Feel free to ask or PM me if you think I can help in any way, though.

I think that my stance is simply this - people may think my reasons (or anyone else's) for openness will confuse my child or frustrate him or whatever as he grows older, but people in open adoptions feel that the reasons other people choose for a closed or semi-open adoption can be just as detrimental. There are continuing pools of research, many just starting as open adoption becomes more popular, that show positive effects for all members of the triad, but yet (and someone please correct me if I am missing something) I have not seen any recent studies showing healthy effects of closed adoptions. There is not one answer for everyone, never said that and I never will. Maybe some better decisions than others to a degree, depending on the situation. But I get the feeling here and on some other boards that openness can be questioned (and sometimes borderline attacked), but we are not to question people who choose closed/semi or their reasons.